Miracle

Miracle. My whole life i just never seemed to fit in. i wasn't into sports that much. i usually had one or two friends. i just didn't get it. i was in scouts but not "in" it. i played some games on some teams. i just didn't get it. i just didn't fit. Throughout my teenage years i used alcohol from time to time. And i got drunk from time to time. But the miracle never happened. It never fixed what was wrong inside.

One day my co-workers talked me into stopping in at a tavern for a couple beers after work and i had no idea how that evening ended. i know the next morning i had a hang-over from hell. But i went to work. My father had taught me never to stay home because you were drinking. "Your mother won't understand." i swore i'd never do that again. But by 2 or 3 in the afternnoon, i was feeling much better. So i agreed to stop again. And this time i wasn't going to do the stupid. i was just going to have 2 or 3 drinks and leave. i walked thru those tavern doors and the bartender says, "Hey, Russ, care for a beer?". For the first time in my life i was somebody. Somebody remembered my name. i felt important. i was in the middle of the road. i knew where i was on this planet. That was the day the miracle happened. And that was before i even had a drink that day.

So when i talk about,"This is not a drinking disease. It's a thinking disease." That is what i mean. i had no idea how that night ended either. Cause when i drank.... i drank. i don't stop. i never had all i wanted and i always had more than i should have. The rest of my drinking career i tried to capture that feeling again.... that wonderous feeling of fitting in. i may have even gotten to it from time to time but i went by it so damn fast that i don't recall getting there. It's like shooting a game of pool. i couldn't shoot if i was stone sober and i couldn't shoot if i was drunk. But there was a magic moment in there, 3 or 4 beers, where i could hit every shot. The problem is that it would never last the whole game because i would always ask " just give me one more". And then it was all over.