Drunk in the well
This is story about a drunk that fell in a well and couldn't get out. A lawyer walked by the man in the well and asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, "I got drunk and fell in this well and can't get out. Can you help me?" The lawyer pulled out a business card and dropped it in the well. He said, "If you ever get a drunk driving, disorderly conduct, or any such thing I can help you." And then he walked off.
Then a doctor walked by the man in the well and asked, "What's wrong?" The man said,
"I got drunk and fell in this well and can't get out. Can you help me?" The doctor said, " you look very distressed, I can give you a prescription." So he wrote it out and dropped it in the well and walked away.
Then a minister walked by the man in the well and asked. "What's wrong?" The man said, "I got drunk and fell in this well and can't get out. Can you help me?" The minister said, "Well you look spiritually bankrupt. Why don't you kneel down and we'll say a prayer together." And they did. The minister gave him a blessing and walked off.
The man in the well was getting more depressed.
Then a recovering alcoholic walks by and asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, "I got drunk and fell in this well and can't get out. Can you help me?" Without hesitation the alcoholic jumps down in the well with him. The man said, "Are you crazy? Now we're both stuck down here!" And the alcoholic puts his arm around the man and said, "Don't worry my friend. I've been here before. I know the way out."
Be free again!
Then a doctor walked by the man in the well and asked, "What's wrong?" The man said,
"I got drunk and fell in this well and can't get out. Can you help me?" The doctor said, " you look very distressed, I can give you a prescription." So he wrote it out and dropped it in the well and walked away.
Then a minister walked by the man in the well and asked. "What's wrong?" The man said, "I got drunk and fell in this well and can't get out. Can you help me?" The minister said, "Well you look spiritually bankrupt. Why don't you kneel down and we'll say a prayer together." And they did. The minister gave him a blessing and walked off.
The man in the well was getting more depressed.
Then a recovering alcoholic walks by and asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, "I got drunk and fell in this well and can't get out. Can you help me?" Without hesitation the alcoholic jumps down in the well with him. The man said, "Are you crazy? Now we're both stuck down here!" And the alcoholic puts his arm around the man and said, "Don't worry my friend. I've been here before. I know the way out."
Be free again!
Miracle
Miracle. My whole life i just never seemed to fit in. i wasn't into sports that much. i usually had one or two friends. i just didn't get it. i was in scouts but not "in" it. i played some games on some teams. i just didn't get it. i just didn't fit. Throughout my teenage years i used alcohol from time to time. And i got drunk from time to time. But the miracle never happened. It never fixed what was wrong inside.
One day my co-workers talked me into stopping in at a tavern for a couple beers after work and i had no idea how that evening ended. i know the next morning i had a hang-over from hell. But i went to work. My father had taught me never to stay home because you were drinking. "Your mother won't understand." i swore i'd never do that again. But by 2 or 3 in the afternnoon, i was feeling much better. So i agreed to stop again. And this time i wasn't going to do the stupid. i was just going to have 2 or 3 drinks and leave. i walked thru those tavern doors and the bartender says, "Hey, Russ, care for a beer?". For the first time in my life i was somebody. Somebody remembered my name. i felt important. i was in the middle of the road. i knew where i was on this planet. That was the day the miracle happened. And that was before i even had a drink that day.
So when i talk about,"This is not a drinking disease. It's a thinking disease." That is what i mean. i had no idea how that night ended either. Cause when i drank.... i drank. i don't stop. i never had all i wanted and i always had more than i should have. The rest of my drinking career i tried to capture that feeling again.... that wonderous feeling of fitting in. i may have even gotten to it from time to time but i went by it so damn fast that i don't recall getting there. It's like shooting a game of pool. i couldn't shoot if i was stone sober and i couldn't shoot if i was drunk. But there was a magic moment in there, 3 or 4 beers, where i could hit every shot. The problem is that it would never last the whole game because i would always ask " just give me one more". And then it was all over.
One day my co-workers talked me into stopping in at a tavern for a couple beers after work and i had no idea how that evening ended. i know the next morning i had a hang-over from hell. But i went to work. My father had taught me never to stay home because you were drinking. "Your mother won't understand." i swore i'd never do that again. But by 2 or 3 in the afternnoon, i was feeling much better. So i agreed to stop again. And this time i wasn't going to do the stupid. i was just going to have 2 or 3 drinks and leave. i walked thru those tavern doors and the bartender says, "Hey, Russ, care for a beer?". For the first time in my life i was somebody. Somebody remembered my name. i felt important. i was in the middle of the road. i knew where i was on this planet. That was the day the miracle happened. And that was before i even had a drink that day.
So when i talk about,"This is not a drinking disease. It's a thinking disease." That is what i mean. i had no idea how that night ended either. Cause when i drank.... i drank. i don't stop. i never had all i wanted and i always had more than i should have. The rest of my drinking career i tried to capture that feeling again.... that wonderous feeling of fitting in. i may have even gotten to it from time to time but i went by it so damn fast that i don't recall getting there. It's like shooting a game of pool. i couldn't shoot if i was stone sober and i couldn't shoot if i was drunk. But there was a magic moment in there, 3 or 4 beers, where i could hit every shot. The problem is that it would never last the whole game because i would always ask " just give me one more". And then it was all over.
Skeeter
Skeeter.... that was a nickname for one of the characters that hung out at the bar i hung out at. He was probably one of the most popular men there. Everyone was always buying him drinks. When he walked into the bar, it was just like 'Cheers' when Norm walked in. Everyone yelled, "Skeeter!". He was my hero. i didn't really know him. i talked with him a few times. i thought someday maybe i'll have a nickname. i thought maybe someday i'll get the recognition he got.
Well at anyway, i stopped at different bars depending on what part of the city i worked in. i had not been to that bar in several weeks and so i went in. i was talking to Helen, the bar maid, and i noticed that Skeeter wasn't in. So i asked her where Skeeter was and she said, "Didn't you hear? He died." "Really? How?", i said. "They found him dead. He had a small apartment and they found him dead". i asked the guy next to me if he had heard that Skeeter died. He said, "Yeh, that was two weeks ago."
There was no memorial where his seat used to be.
i realized that the people in the bar were an illusion of friends. i refer to the guy next to me as my best friend "what's his name". He just bought me a drink. If he bought be two or three i might even remember his name. Because that would make him a very important person to me. It's really sad that Skeeter died alone. He was so popular. He was my hero. He was what i wanted to grow up to be. Not any longer.....
i am happy being Russ and i go places now where everyone knows my name. And i know theirs. And they don't even buy me a beer. And i care about them.
Sorry, Skeeter.... that you didn't find recovery. Sorry that your friends were just an illusion.
Just remember friends,
There is hope in recovery.
Well at anyway, i stopped at different bars depending on what part of the city i worked in. i had not been to that bar in several weeks and so i went in. i was talking to Helen, the bar maid, and i noticed that Skeeter wasn't in. So i asked her where Skeeter was and she said, "Didn't you hear? He died." "Really? How?", i said. "They found him dead. He had a small apartment and they found him dead". i asked the guy next to me if he had heard that Skeeter died. He said, "Yeh, that was two weeks ago."
There was no memorial where his seat used to be.
i realized that the people in the bar were an illusion of friends. i refer to the guy next to me as my best friend "what's his name". He just bought me a drink. If he bought be two or three i might even remember his name. Because that would make him a very important person to me. It's really sad that Skeeter died alone. He was so popular. He was my hero. He was what i wanted to grow up to be. Not any longer.....
i am happy being Russ and i go places now where everyone knows my name. And i know theirs. And they don't even buy me a beer. And i care about them.
Sorry, Skeeter.... that you didn't find recovery. Sorry that your friends were just an illusion.
Just remember friends,
There is hope in recovery.
Shame
Shame. We all have things to be ashamed about. Shame is usually a feeling that is given to us by someone else. It's one of the few feelings that we don't ever seek out. Fear[we will go on a roller coaster], sadness[we'll watch a sad movie], but shame, we don't seek out.
What will help us with our shame is to remember that whatever you have done, if there's a name for it, you're not the first one to have done it! Now if you have done something so awful that it has not even been named yet,then i want to see the video! We have to be very careful with shame based religions, teachers, and even parents.
Teach your children the word "ooops". Teach them how to make mistakes. Make sure you check what your Bible studies are teaching the child. i have a real problem with "Jesus died for your sins" when you say it to a 5 year old. The child hasn't sinned yet. That's shame. He's thinking Jesus died cause he spilled his milk. Be careful with that. Be careful with teachers that teach shame.
If you want to help your child avoid addiction, teach him to be proud of who he is. Teach him that it's "okay" to make mistakes. Teach him that what is wrong with him is that he is just a little bit different...that's it. Some people really get upset and lay shame on someone just because he or she is not like them. If you want to help eliminate or reduce your childs chance of becoming an addict, make them strong; give them power. i think we all seek some control. If you carry your life like you would a handful of jello, gently, you will have control over it. It's when you squeeze really hard that it comes out between your fingers and you have no control. Everybody wants some control.
Teach your child that he can have some control in the family events. Let him pick the Thursday night dinner meal. If he picks jelly bean sandwiches....so what. No one's gonna die. And he will have some control over what happens in the family. i think its important. i think it's a lesson that needs to be taught. Learn how to be in control without being controlling. Learn how to have power over how your day is going. Give them a space in the house that doesn't have to be perfectly picked up. As long as it is not a health hazard, who cares. It's their spot. Give them some control. Give them some power over their little lives and i think you'll see a benefit. Or....
You can try and control them as my father did....with a belt strap.
Here i am 29 years sober because of the shame and the quilt and the negative reinforcement of rules such as "don't do as i do...do what i tell you to do. You can try that or....
keep doing what you are doing and see how that works out......
What will help us with our shame is to remember that whatever you have done, if there's a name for it, you're not the first one to have done it! Now if you have done something so awful that it has not even been named yet,then i want to see the video! We have to be very careful with shame based religions, teachers, and even parents.
Teach your children the word "ooops". Teach them how to make mistakes. Make sure you check what your Bible studies are teaching the child. i have a real problem with "Jesus died for your sins" when you say it to a 5 year old. The child hasn't sinned yet. That's shame. He's thinking Jesus died cause he spilled his milk. Be careful with that. Be careful with teachers that teach shame.
If you want to help your child avoid addiction, teach him to be proud of who he is. Teach him that it's "okay" to make mistakes. Teach him that what is wrong with him is that he is just a little bit different...that's it. Some people really get upset and lay shame on someone just because he or she is not like them. If you want to help eliminate or reduce your childs chance of becoming an addict, make them strong; give them power. i think we all seek some control. If you carry your life like you would a handful of jello, gently, you will have control over it. It's when you squeeze really hard that it comes out between your fingers and you have no control. Everybody wants some control.
Teach your child that he can have some control in the family events. Let him pick the Thursday night dinner meal. If he picks jelly bean sandwiches....so what. No one's gonna die. And he will have some control over what happens in the family. i think its important. i think it's a lesson that needs to be taught. Learn how to be in control without being controlling. Learn how to have power over how your day is going. Give them a space in the house that doesn't have to be perfectly picked up. As long as it is not a health hazard, who cares. It's their spot. Give them some control. Give them some power over their little lives and i think you'll see a benefit. Or....
You can try and control them as my father did....with a belt strap.
Here i am 29 years sober because of the shame and the quilt and the negative reinforcement of rules such as "don't do as i do...do what i tell you to do. You can try that or....
keep doing what you are doing and see how that works out......
Just Say Know
Just Say Know by Russ Jahn
We do not believe that we have all of the answers. We do believe that we know what the questions are.
From the name of our organization, “Just Say Know”, one might think that we want to talk about drug and alcohol abuse and how to stop it. But that is not our purpose. Instead, we want to talk about what we believe causes the addictions. We only wish to share our experience in identifying and treating the problem instead of treating the symptom... although it is essential to first stop the physical act of using alcohol or drugs. We are convinced that alcohol and drugs are not the problem! They are simply the solution; a devastating symptom of our real, underlying problem!
We have discovered that our real problem is life: how we interpret it, how we deal with it, and how we feel about it and ourselves. Examples of this problem include feelings of not fitting in, not being good enough, or not being as good as others. To get over these feelings we use alcohol, drugs, or any other mood-altering chemical to make us feel good. Consequently become addicted to the alcohol, drugs, or mood-altering chemical – addicted to feeling that we fit in, feeling that we are good enough, or feeling as though we are as good as others... Our addiction is simply used to deal with our feelings. Addictions come in many forms, with alcohol and drug abuse being most recognizable. But whatever form the addiction takes – alcohol, drugs, gambling, overeating – it can, and eventually will, be devastating! We believe that the basis of life’s problems are feelings and how we deal with them.
Do you know the six primary feelings? Can you name them? They are: glad, mad, sad, afraid, ashamed, and hurt. Of these six there is only one “good” feeling; which is glad. The remaining five are “icky”, uncomfortable feelings. No one wants these! And of these five, the most detrimental and toxic feeling is shame.
We were taught [and we teach children] to be ashamed of thoughts, words, deeds, and feelings. When we teach them right from wrong, and good from bad, essentially we just may be teaching them to be ashamed of themselves? Although they are things that must be learned, we must be careful on how we teach these principles! For example, a mother might ask her child, “How do you think that makes me feel?”, or “What will the neighbors think?”; and a father may say, “Be tough, don’t cry”, “Don’t get angry”, or “What have you got to cry about?”. When children are presented with this manner of being taught by their parents, a child may experiences any number of those five “icky” feelings. Moreover, the message being presented to the child is that those feelings are WRONG! And not only wrong, but also BAD! Further, when an adult tells a child, “we want you to grow up to be somebody”, what the child is likely hearing is that they are NOT somebody and should do BETTER! Although this may not be the intent of the adult, nevertheless, it is the message being conveyed... and shame necessarily attaches.
For us, parents, teachers, and clergymen always wanted us to do things right or perfectly. There was NO room for mistake or errors! We were expected to be perfect, and that is impossible – always leading to shame in being a failure... Consequently, as children we tend to hide failure with dishonesty. This becomes a learned behavior. Ironically, Chapter Five in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous reiterates that hope in the recovery from alcoholism is possible only if the individual has the capacity to be HONEST! Has anyone reading this ever NOT lied? Why do we lie? Can you give one excuse or reason to lie? We believe that we lie to cover up a mistake – either real or imagined... Think about a lie that you have told... Was it to convince someone that you didn’t make a mistake or commit a wrong? We were taught that it is wrong to be wrong, and that when we admitted to a wrong or mistake there are consequences that were almost always in the form of punishment; physical and/or verbal. We never received discipline!
Stated simply, we must teach children that it is okay to make mistakes. We also need to allow them to make mistakes. We must teach them that there are consequences, but that consequences will first begin with discipline, only followed by punishment is necessary... Discipline means “to teach”. How do we teach? Perhaps we share our experiences with making mistakes and how we felt when we made them?
In the beginning we said that we don’t have all the answers. We believe that we know the questions: How do you feel? How do I feel? Is it okay to feel the way I do? Is it okay to make mistakes? What are we teaching children about feelings – what to do with those feeling, and where do go with those feelings? How are children interpreting what we teach them? Are we teaching them that they don’t have to feel ashamed? Are we getting that point across?
We do not believe that we have all of the answers. We do believe that we know what the questions are.
From the name of our organization, “Just Say Know”, one might think that we want to talk about drug and alcohol abuse and how to stop it. But that is not our purpose. Instead, we want to talk about what we believe causes the addictions. We only wish to share our experience in identifying and treating the problem instead of treating the symptom... although it is essential to first stop the physical act of using alcohol or drugs. We are convinced that alcohol and drugs are not the problem! They are simply the solution; a devastating symptom of our real, underlying problem!
We have discovered that our real problem is life: how we interpret it, how we deal with it, and how we feel about it and ourselves. Examples of this problem include feelings of not fitting in, not being good enough, or not being as good as others. To get over these feelings we use alcohol, drugs, or any other mood-altering chemical to make us feel good. Consequently become addicted to the alcohol, drugs, or mood-altering chemical – addicted to feeling that we fit in, feeling that we are good enough, or feeling as though we are as good as others... Our addiction is simply used to deal with our feelings. Addictions come in many forms, with alcohol and drug abuse being most recognizable. But whatever form the addiction takes – alcohol, drugs, gambling, overeating – it can, and eventually will, be devastating! We believe that the basis of life’s problems are feelings and how we deal with them.
Do you know the six primary feelings? Can you name them? They are: glad, mad, sad, afraid, ashamed, and hurt. Of these six there is only one “good” feeling; which is glad. The remaining five are “icky”, uncomfortable feelings. No one wants these! And of these five, the most detrimental and toxic feeling is shame.
We were taught [and we teach children] to be ashamed of thoughts, words, deeds, and feelings. When we teach them right from wrong, and good from bad, essentially we just may be teaching them to be ashamed of themselves? Although they are things that must be learned, we must be careful on how we teach these principles! For example, a mother might ask her child, “How do you think that makes me feel?”, or “What will the neighbors think?”; and a father may say, “Be tough, don’t cry”, “Don’t get angry”, or “What have you got to cry about?”. When children are presented with this manner of being taught by their parents, a child may experiences any number of those five “icky” feelings. Moreover, the message being presented to the child is that those feelings are WRONG! And not only wrong, but also BAD! Further, when an adult tells a child, “we want you to grow up to be somebody”, what the child is likely hearing is that they are NOT somebody and should do BETTER! Although this may not be the intent of the adult, nevertheless, it is the message being conveyed... and shame necessarily attaches.
For us, parents, teachers, and clergymen always wanted us to do things right or perfectly. There was NO room for mistake or errors! We were expected to be perfect, and that is impossible – always leading to shame in being a failure... Consequently, as children we tend to hide failure with dishonesty. This becomes a learned behavior. Ironically, Chapter Five in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous reiterates that hope in the recovery from alcoholism is possible only if the individual has the capacity to be HONEST! Has anyone reading this ever NOT lied? Why do we lie? Can you give one excuse or reason to lie? We believe that we lie to cover up a mistake – either real or imagined... Think about a lie that you have told... Was it to convince someone that you didn’t make a mistake or commit a wrong? We were taught that it is wrong to be wrong, and that when we admitted to a wrong or mistake there are consequences that were almost always in the form of punishment; physical and/or verbal. We never received discipline!
Stated simply, we must teach children that it is okay to make mistakes. We also need to allow them to make mistakes. We must teach them that there are consequences, but that consequences will first begin with discipline, only followed by punishment is necessary... Discipline means “to teach”. How do we teach? Perhaps we share our experiences with making mistakes and how we felt when we made them?
In the beginning we said that we don’t have all the answers. We believe that we know the questions: How do you feel? How do I feel? Is it okay to feel the way I do? Is it okay to make mistakes? What are we teaching children about feelings – what to do with those feeling, and where do go with those feelings? How are children interpreting what we teach them? Are we teaching them that they don’t have to feel ashamed? Are we getting that point across?
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